What's most stressful for me is not knowing how to deal with it. If this is "just a phase," then I should be trying to minimize the situations where blow-ups occur, ignore it as much as possible, and try to get through it. But if this is in some way "real" behavior, then it's my job as his mom to set limits, stick with them, show him what is appropriate, etc. Deciding which of these scenarios is the case dramatically affects how I respond: ignoring versus warning and time-outs, for instance. It's just not so simple to know where to draw the line and how firmly to enforce the line. Violence is over the line, of course. But what about toilet talk at the dinner table? What about putting his shoes on Gran's wall ("But, Mom, I was just trying to rest?")? If I policed every annoying thing right now our heads would explode.
I've noticed in past difficult phases that challenging new behavior often emerges alongside wonderful new behavior or capabilities. Henry is clearly struggling with right and wrong, with friendship and kindness and how to be a good person. Yesterday he was writing in his little notebook and asking: "Mom, how do you write 'Spiderman'? How do you spell 'nice' and 'kindness'? How do you write 'no violence'?" I read his little book later and it said (this is with the spelling cleaned up): "Henry 2010. Carter. Love. I like Carter. Friends [frenz]. :) :) :) Carter. Henry." And on another page: "Henry lied. Carter. Mommy. Spring. Love. The End. Peace. Love People. Nice Kindness. Carter Henry."
What struggles must be raging in his mind and heart right now?!?
p.s. advice welcome
3 comments:
Amelia, I feel you. Discipline is my least favorite part of parenting, and the area I struggle most with. Consistency is important, yes, but so is your sanity, and who has the energy to keep at them constantly? Then it feels like a battle, and hard to short circuit the patterns of pushing each other back and forth. I do think these moments pass, as our kids work it all out. Nice that both our kids have other ways of expressing their feelings now - through writing - sure helps me empathize when F is being outrageously annoying.
I think toddler/preschool is like giving birth, you love the child so much that you forget the pain and struggle-- eventually-- AND YOU REALLY DO! I take the 5th on preschool/toddler battles, mostly because I cannot remember them, but I know in my heart of hearts there were many. Auntie Grace
As Meagan said, consistency is key. Consistency not just among behaviors but among parents -- and in your case, I imagine, children as well.
I'm embarrassed to say that K and I tended toward the voices raised kind of discipline -- more as a last resort, but still -- coupled with liberal applications of time-outs. I remember one mild spanking, but a splinter was involved, so I plead extenuating circumstances.
The message we tried to impart was that, if voices got raised, it was for a good reason (i.e., because other methods were not working) and it didn't mean we didn't love our daughter any less. As she got older, it became easier to dialogue with her. But the early years were tough sometimes (and we were also lucky in her grace and goodwill).
These days it's all about choices. You want to go on the Six Flags New England trip? Fine. Oh, what? You're up until midnight working on your history paper? Sorry to hear that, but why are you in this situation?
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