Autumn at home

Reading the Sunday paper

Vogue, November 2010: baby Ugg boots, pumpkin, and attitude

Studying the Lego website

How to eat your breakfast cereal without putting down your lollipop

Our autumnal backyard

Absorbed

Parenting My Strong-Willed Child

Back in September, when I reached my wit's end with Henry's behavior, I bought a couple of parenting books that came recommended including "Setting Limits for Your Strong-Willed Child." It turned out to be really, really helpful and things have been much better and more fun since then. I share a few thoughts here partly for a couple of friends/readers who have kids with similar temperaments, and partly to remind myself of the lessons.

There were several helpful insights for me: first, that some children are compliant and want to please, and others are strong-willed and want to test the limit of what's acceptable. Strong-willed children are "hard-way" learners, who need to test the limit repeatedly to see what the result is. Do not take it personally! They are not trying to ruin your day, embarrass you, or undermine you. It's not about you (me) at all, in fact. This is just how they encounter the world. This recognition has helped me stay calm and not get so upset by the negative behavior. Second, don't talk so much. The talking, explaining, haranguing, cajoling, scolding was worse than useless-- he wasn't learning from it (because strong-willed children believe your actions, not your words) and it was exhausting us both and poisoning the atmosphere. Instead, I should just be stopping the negative behavior immediately (and calmly) by sending him to his room for a 5-minute time out. Once the 5 minutes are up, there's no "lessons learned" or forced apologies-- everyone starts over fresh and with a clean slate. The time out in his room was a huge improvement over the screaming, protesting sitting on the step while the timer ticked. In his room, he can build legos or get into bed-- whatever he needs to calm himself down. If he plays in his room, great-- it's not about punishing him, it's about stopping the negative behavior. I also get to calm down. And with the moratorium on yelling, scolding, warning, etc, I'm much less annoyed and exhausted and the family atmosphere remains positive. Usually after 5 minutes he's back with a happy hello-- he knows he was out of control and doesn't like it, either. Natural consequences are also used where appropriate-- break the scooter rules, lose the scooter for a day, for example. The key is to remind ONCE and then follow through without getting upset when he makes the poor choice. He will make the poor choice repeatedly because that's who he is! My job is to take the scooter away when he does so. It helps me to remember this.

One thing that bothered me about this approach at first is that I felt there was no moral instruction happening-- if you don't explain how to behave, how will he learn? This method might stop negative behavior, but can it make him nice, kind, civilized? But the answer, of course, is to talk about it at non-crisis times. Scolding in the moment doesn't work-- at least not for us.

Every couple of weeks it seems we have to have a "crackdown"-- we've all ben going along happily and not noticing or policing bad behavior until suddenly I'm yelling at Henry and I realize: oh yeah, here we are. And then we get back to basics. All I have to do now is remind Henry in a calm moment about the consequences for negative behavior and breaking the rules-- and follow through on it a few times-- and we're back to a good atmosphere.

I like mermaids

I like mermaids.

-You do?

Yeah. They're kinda dusty.

-Dusty?

Yeah. They're dusty to eat. They're kinda dirty.

-To eat?

Yeah. I don't like to eat them. Daddy likes them. Daddy likes to eat them.

-He does?

Yeah. I like to hold them in my hand.

I like doggies.

-You do?

Yeah. They're kinda like... special.

I like horses. I like them to ride. Not to ride-- to pull my wagon.

-You prefer to ride in the wagon?

No, I like to SIT on the horses.

I like bunnies.

-Yes, they're nice.

They're nice to eat! I eat them! I like bunnies to eat!

Just some nice pictures...

Making Halloween cookies with Gran

Fall day at the vegetable farm