CAA

Thanks to my mom's generously keeping our children, Michael and I went to a conference in New York for the better part of three days last week. It's the big annual meeting of professors of art and art history, and it's where job candidates interview and there are dozens of panels of lectures where the latest research is presented. Also lots of parties, receptions, awards ceremonies, book fairs, and the like. I gave a paper on Friday afternoon-- my first at this venue in 10 years. I apply almost every year, but it's competitive, and I haven't had an exciting new research project to present in some time, since I've spent the latest 5 years in Baby Hiatus (or at least Baby-Induced Slowdown). I've been to the conference a few times since my last paper: in 2003 to interview for my current job; in 2009 to interview candidates to replace me while on sabbatical. It's always dizzying there, especially every third year when it's held in New York. It's always at the same hotel and conference center in New York, the Hilton in midtown, and going there in 2011 I had head-spinning memories of being there as an anxious graduate student in the mid-1990s, an eager and scared job candidate in 1997, a cynical recently-tenured professor looking for a new job in 2003. And walking through the halls, I constantly ran into people from those past phases.

There's nothing like seeing pretty much everyone in the country who does your same job to make you realize your place in the pecking order. I remember talking to a fellow grad student in the hallway years ago, and watching him constantly looking over my shoulder for someone more interesting or important to talk to. This time, I had highs and lows, and came out realizing that I am somewhere solidly in the middle-- mid-status, and mid-career. I went to the book fair and saw my book nowhere on display; worse, I looked in the index of a new book in my field and found my published work nowhere listed. Dejected, I went to a panel and before the lecture started, three people had told me how often they assign chapters from my book to their students and how they wish I could get royalties from PDFs. Some of my grad student colleagues are in high-status jobs now and getting prestigious grants, but I also talked to one who, despite her excellent work, had been denied tenure and was now commuting four hours to teach adjunct at a small college in the midwest.

My lecture went really well and it was standing room only in the hall; maybe 150 people. It's humbling to see how, despite years of hard work, I'm still just in the middle of the pack. But I'm also so grateful to be here, taking part, doing the work, researching and thinking and talking about it to others. Baby Hiatus is over, and I'm back: I'm in the game, and glad for it.