30-50% Off

Henry is a challenging kid. We've been having some good times lately, and Michael and I have noticed that over the past couple of weeks, with no camps or school and all of us at home together, he's really been enjoying playing with his sister and they've been getting along well. But even so, he's a challenge. He is super stubborn, competitive, and determined to be the boss, and since I am too, this makes for a lot of conflict. Some days it feels like he digs his heels in and refuses to budge on every single thing, all day long, from wearing underwear to washing his hands to closing the door behind him to picking up his mess to coming in for dinner to... you name it. On those days, I spend all day speaking sternly to him about one thing after another. It's a drag for both of us.

For a long time, Michael and I have been conscious about saying "yes" to him as much as possible, and paying positive attention to him. We've also made deliberate efforts to be clear and forceful about the rules and consistent about enforcing them. We've seen his behavior as "testing the boundaries" and have responded by holding the line firm. Lots of timeouts, tantrums, and conflict have resulted. Have things really improved? Does our household run more smoothly and harmoniously as a result of all this effort? Not really. We usually get him to do what we want, but it comes at a high price in energy and goodwill. I do feel like it's my job as his mother to have high expectations for his behavior, to help him become a person of integrity. But I find myself in an adversarial relationship with him a great deal of the time, and worse, I find myself not liking him. Something needs to change.

So, on the recommendation of my easy-going mom, I'm going to try letting things go a lot more-- my goal is to let 30-50% of infractions pass without comment. This is going to be very hard for me. He comes in from the car, leaves the car door open and throws his shoes down on the sidewalk and leaves them there. What do I do? In the past I would have made him retrieve his shoes and close the door, and this would have involved a lot of stern words (me), whining or yelling (him), and at least a threat of a timeout (me). Even though it feels wrong, like injustice, I'm going to try to just pick up the shoes and close the door, at least a third of the time. I risk raising an ungrateful slob who expects others to pick up after him, but I guess I'm recognizing another risk, which is sustaining a poisonous negative spiral of accusation, scorn, and misbehavior.

I'll have to swallow my own pride, bossiness, and righteousness (at least 30-50% of the time). I hope it results in less yelling and more fun.